


Castiel's Intergalactic Anal Adventure

by bloodandcream



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, M/M, Out of Character, Really really bad, crack on meth, do I need to say more, planets as anal beads, this is a bad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:00:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2024331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodandcream/pseuds/bloodandcream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with a big bang.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castiel's Intergalactic Anal Adventure

It starts with a big bang.

Cause Dean was banging the fuck out of Cas. Dean was banging Cas a lot. They had a great relationship. It was made out of rainbows and sunshine and a hella lot of gay sex. Really good, vigorous gay sex. But it might of been too much sex.

“Goddam Cas you are looser than a whore in a coastal city during shore leave.”

“I don’t understand that reference.”

“I think I’ve wrecked your ass.”

“You do that a lot.”

“Yeah. I wonder how much I could fit up here.”

“That might be pleasurable. I do not wish to offend your manly ego, but, I was hoping you might introduce me to the wonders of fisting.”

“Damn Cas, you do like to aim big, I like your ambition.”

And so it was that they started experimenting. Even though Dean was slightly offended that he could not satisfy Cas’ insatiable ass, he was slightly proud that he’d fucked him so hard and so thoroughly Cas was all stretched out. His angel had a greedy ass. It wasn’t a bad thing.

They started with toys. Sliding in vibrators and dildos next to Dean’s cock, seeing how many fake dicks they could shove in the angel’s ass. It soon became a game. At one point there was an entire bushel of cucumbers involved. I’m not sure how many cucumbers come in a bushel. But it’s probably a lot.

Cas just kept taking more and more, it seemed like his ass was some sort of bag of holding, things just fucking disappeared in there. Dean vaguely considered that it might be more useful for storing weapons and relics than the Impala’s trunk. It could hold a hell of a lot. And it wasn’t like Cas used an ass, for, you know, cause he never ate. But Dean didn’t want Sammy to have to root around for weapons in Cas’ ass, so that idea was nixed.

But then he got it. The mother of all ideas. The perfect plan. The way around it all. A reset button. An end to the impending apocalypse.  
“Hey Cas, so I was thinking….”

“Yes Dean?”

“You can fit a whole tone of shit in your ass.”

“Not really, I don’t eat.”

“You know what I meant.”

“I suppose.”

“Well. So. This apocalypse thing. Do you think you could just like…. pick up the earth in your ass and move it to another solar system and we could start all over again?”

“Dean, that’s genius! We could just hop dimensions, and take everyone with us!”

“Your brothers wouldn’t follow right?”

“I don’t think they’d have any idea what was going on. If we move fast enough, we could snatch it out from under them and hide it in another pocket of the multiverse.”

“Fuck yeah man. You could totally do this.”

“It’s brilliant. I should take all the planets, set up the solar system. I don’t think I could get the sun in my ass though. We can find a new sun.”

“This is totally gonna work Cas, I can feel it.”

It didn’t really come into consideration that Castiel was roughly the size of the Chrysler building. Cause he was an angel. He could like, manipulate time and space. Or something. It’s totally plausible.

I don’t know where Sam is during any of this. Probably banging Gabe. I’m not his keeper.

So it was the big day. Moving day. Cas was going to use the planets like anal beads and hop dimensions.

“You should totally start with Pluto, it’s the smallest.”

“Pluto is not technically a planet Dean, this has been recently confirmed.”

“Man, I did not learn a whole lot from school growing up, but I learned that Pluto was a planet.”

“Oh Dean, you are so smart, I’m sure you learned plenty, you should really get over your self worth issues.”

“Dude, we do not have time for this emo bullshit right now. We got a planetary system to move.”

“I suppose I could take Pluto too if you would like.”

“Aw Cas, you’re so good to me.”

Cas started with Pluto. He stretched and strained and got himself all big and hovered over Pluto, sitting down on the non planet sort of planet and taking it in first. One tiny Pluto wasn’t too bad, so he moved on and took another few planets. At first he had wanted to take them in order so he could remember correctly, then he thought perhaps he should take them in terms of size.

There was one thing he and Dean agreed on. Earth would have to be last. There was no way all the people on the planet Earth could breath all up in his ass for too long. maybe he could put in a straw after them, like a snorkel. Or something.

Oh, and he had set up some kind of telepathy with Dean so they could speak. Cause he was an angel. He could do that kind of thing. Totally.

“Hey, hey Cas. You’re about to put Uranus in your anus.”

“Yes Dean, that is an excellent butt joke, good for you.”

Dean snickered, he was hanging out on Earth encouraging his celestial rebel angel boyfriend to shove all the planets in his ass in a desperate attempt to amputate the apocalypse. It would be fine. All fine.

Cas was getting all full up on planets, stretched out and well used and he was having a hard time not just jacking off in the middle of space. But then he reached Saturn.

“Dean, I’m not sure if Saturn is going to fit. The rings might hurt.”

“Can’t you just take the rings off? You should use them as a cock ring. That would be fun.”

“I suppose I could do that.”

Castiel plucked the rings off Saturn so he could snug them down the base of his cock, staving off impending orgasm from having his celestial ass full up on planets, sitting down of Saturn and taking it in while he wiggled and moaned.

Dean was impressed. He couldn’t help but think of Cas taking in all that space, all those rocks, just sucking it into his gaping needy hole, like a fucking black hole. Only it was more kind of a brown hole.

Eventually Cas reached Earth. The last one to go. He was all stuffed with the other planets, his belly bulging out obscenely from how stretched he was, all the planets shifting and grinding inside him and he wished he could fill himself with Dean like this.

But they had a mission. A job to do. Coming up on Earth, Cas licked his pretty chapped lips and squinted at his last objective. It would be a tight fit.

“C’mon Cas, you’re doing great, just one more to go and we’ll blow this popsicle stand.”

“I may need help Dean.”

“What can I do?”

“Just, stand on the other end than where I’ll be and push ok. You’re so strong Dean, so good, we’ll make it work.”

“Sure thing Cas. Awesome. You look so good like this, all blushing pink like some fucking virgin but you’ve got your ass stuffed with planets. I’m about to bust a nut here.”

“Oh yeah Dean, I love it when you talk dirty.”

So Cas positioned himself near the Earth opposite where Dean was, and Dean pushed on the planet while Cas backed it on up. The angel was moaning and writhing, a complete wreck, pushing back and all the mountain ranges stimulated the stretched sensitive hole of his ass, like it was ribbed for his pleasure.

Dean did what he could, kneeling down and pushing against the earth, and soon enough they were enveloped in darkness, the silky smooth clench of Cas’ ass closing around the Earth. He panicked momentarily, but he trusted Cas, he knew his boyfriend would be quick.

Cas was almost too far gone to have the wits to transport them, but he found a new sun soon enough, bright and similar to the sun back home, it would do. He squatted down in the non space of space and let the planets slip from his puffy pink hole all well used and sore. Plopping out the Earth, he waddled in a crouch laying down the planets as he went. There would have to be some rearrangement for the original planetary line up and the intensity of the new sun, but he had a good feeling about this.

Eventually he had them arranged, and the last piece was Saturn’s rings around his cock. Dean was happy and proud through their telepathic angel mojo link. Cas pulled the rings off to settle around Saturn but as soon as he did the orgasm that had been coiling tight in his belly with all the planets jostling around in his slutty ass suddenly burst forth, painting the sky with his come, all shiny white and sparkling in a big swath. It was the new Milky Way!

Cas shrunk back down to his original size, joining Dean back on Earth tired and sated, a sweaty fucked out mess of intergalactic anal planetary masturbation. His boyfriend stroked and praised him for doing such a good job.

They had moved all the planets to a new solar system. Apocalypse avoided. And Cas was well enough sated for a few centuries, he figured his boyfriends impressive cock would be more than enough for a bit.

And that was how the totally fated awesome mating of Dean and Cas saved the universe with their quirky intelligent ideas.

Totally.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> ((So, I’m weird. And my husband is really weird. And we just make each other exponentially weirder. I think a few months ago, I had asked what the extradimensional holding capacity of an angels ass was. One of my friends answered with a few cucumbers. My husband answered with using the planets as anal beads. We keep coming back to this. So. I figured I had to write it. It is not a serious fic. So far from. It is purposefully written terribly and it makes less than no sense. Just go with it.))


End file.
